I’m sitting here two hours before boarding time. The waiting and sitting idly by only heighten the feelings of anxiety that are settling in. And I worry. Did I forget something extremely important? Did I make all the right arrangements? Did I not grab everything I need?
These initial thoughts filling up my brain leads me to deeper fears:
- what if I’m not responsible enough to handle everything by myself?
- what if I don’t pass my classes?
- what if I make the wrong friends?
- what if I’m lonely?
And just like that, my excitement about the next six months has turned into nervousness.
But not an excited-nervous, no. The excited-I-can't-wait-for-the-unknown-nervous is the type of nervous I want to be feeling; the holy-crap-what-was-I-thinking-nervous is the unwelcome type of nervous that has so easily tied knots in my stomach and throat.
Why do I feel this way? I think God has been opening my eyes to the insecurities I see in myself and questioning the false foundations in which I’ve decided to place any security I do have. And I know that He is calling me forth, in this journey, to come to terms with all of this. However, to surrender those things - and more importantly myself - in order for Him to work is frighteningly painful. I don’t want to do it, and I’m too scared to.
Yet as I sit here typing and worrying, His clear voice rescues me and reminds me:
Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Give no opportunity to the devil. I will never leave you nor forsake you. In your lacking I will more than fulfill your every need. Set your hopes on me, for I will provide you with everything to enjoy.
And just like that, His perfect love for me casts out all fear.
A cobber is a friend.
*Addendum: my flight was canceled, so this was actually during that wait period before they told me to go back home, and not before boarding. Praise Jesus I didn't get on a plane that had an engine problem!
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